Manual For Boys Contemplating Dating A Man's Daughter

I brought Ohana's balls home in a jar this morning, following his castration and it got me to wondering how I will behave when boys begin to sniff around my daughter in another 10 years...

I've begun formulating a questionnaire to sort of 'pre-qualify' them.

From the questionnaire:

Here's a likely scenario:

Suppose that you had wronged someone, really done them bad, and you wake up in an abandoned barn with a locked 1/4" braided steel cable secured firmly around your junk and bolted to the floor, a rusty shears in your hand. Just as you begin to realize that the cable is too burly for the shears, the barn bursts into flame...
You will roast like a suckling pig if you stay there. There is also a brazier with a red-hot piece of metal, just out of your reach, that you could use to cauterise your junk-stump, but you'd have to use the shears to get to it.
Question: Isn't there a bus leaving for Cleveland you could be on?

Scenario #2:

Detonation cord burn rate=approximately fifteen thousand feet per second to approximately twenty-three thousand feet per second, depending on pressure and other environmental variables. Extreme caution must be used when handling detcord due to its' potential to induce significant tissue and bone trauma, ugliness and corpsification when incautiously detonated.
note: figures representative of 50 grain PETN (pentaerythritol tetranitrate) variety.

Because of the diversity of loads and bullet styles, it is hard to generalize, but the following are typical American factory loads for the .308 Winchester and are also probably representative of the majority of handloads. The 150 grain Spitzer bullet is usually loaded to a muzzle velocity (MV) of 2,820 fps and muzzle energy (ME) of 2,648 foot pounds. The figures at 200 yards are 2,263 fps and 1,705 foot pounds. These are estimates based upon averages due to different grades of propellant used in rifle cartridges and other varying conditions.

Burn rate for common cannon fuze=30 seconds +/- per foot. Cannon fuze is a primary ignitor for most explosive compounds of commercial manufacture or local improvisation. Source; TM 31-210 Improvised Munitions Handbook, United States Army.

A highly motivated runner in the prime age category (17-22), according to standards of measured time used by the United States Army is capable of covering only a fraction of the a distance within the working effective engagement range of 400-600 meters. In that time a skilled marksman could cover that same distance and terrain with no significant shortage of breath.
Question: Were you aware that certain Tibetan Monastic orders take vows of celibacy?

Scenario #3:

You are swimming to shore from the floating dock at the beach after behaving in a generally un-gentlemanly fashion towards my daughter. Suddenly your hear the splash of oars and, upon examination find a rowboat converging upon your path and dividing your angle to the shore.
The smiling man that pushes you away with oar is me.
Question: How long can you tread water?