The Boy Scout Motto: Be Prepared.

Swampy's Survival tip #42: What to do when attacked by Carniverous Lizards of Unusual Size

step 1: Un-sheathing your knife, hold it at your side, sharp edge away from your body. If you haven't a knife -shame on you- grasp your hairbrush firmly in your hand and step on the head while twisting and pulling the handle. This should give you a jagged and pointed edge.

step 2: Curl the fingers of the hand not holding the knife and extend that arm toward the Carniverous Lizard and assume a crouch as you prepare your lunge.

step 3: Sprint toward the Carniverous Lizard while yelling "Kristi for President!" This will cause the Carniverous Lizards' mouth to drop open, allowing you to dive past the poisonous teeth and directly into the moist gullet.

step 4: Move quickly down the slippery maw, making your way to the stomach. Once inside the stomach, stab into and through the skin. You will have to wedge and wiggle the point of the blade to get past the scales. Lift and slice an opening large enough to allow your passage. Before you emerge, secure a firm grip on as much of the entrails as possible. Slide from the opening you have created and pull the entrails with you.

At this point, any other Carniverous Lizards of Unusual Size will attack the injured lizard until they have all been killed or wounded.

step 5: While skinning the lizards, make sure you avoid the poison glands located in the head and neck; the remainder of the meat is both nutritious and tasty when cooked with some garlic and white wine.

Swampy